he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
