You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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