my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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