I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
