i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
