The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My feet surprised me
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