My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
