My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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