I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
