Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
