toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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