Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
