I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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