I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
