Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
