I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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