two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
