I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
