I'm pants shitting drunk right now
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
