That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
