just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Swine flu is the new snow day.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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