What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
