chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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