why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
