I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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