it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
