so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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