how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
