I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
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