i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
