My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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