Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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