My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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