Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
BRING THE BAGELS
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