I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
