I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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