No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
