new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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