got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
