Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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