just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
