so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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