If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Randomize
