My cat gives me a boner
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Randomize
