I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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