i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
