Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
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