omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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