the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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