Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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