he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
