Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
50% drunk capacity currently
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
