Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Pooping to opera.
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