Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
