I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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