yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
